Monday, June 10, 2002

Shawn Farris..looking for love and coming up short. For those of you with time, check out The Gimp's tirade on the Love Market. If you're reading this Shawn, here's some tips on how to snag your own "hottest commodity":

Wear Pomeade. Not only will it give you that greasy feeling, it will make you look like a scum bag--something all women are secretly attracted to.

Dress casual. For example: when going to a wedding, who said Jeans were not acceptable attire? Wear Designer ones from brands in the mall. Tuxedo shirts are no way in hell fashionable these days, it's all about the Sean Jean.

When asking women out on dates, assert yourself. Lie if you have to. This one always scores me companionship at a local steak house.

During a date, always order for them, before they say anything. Most ladies cry about Woman's Lib. but they all like to be pampered a bit.

Always compliment! This is highly underrated, but can create miracles. Compliment that "nice ass", "hairless legs" or even my speciality "You sure look better today than yesterday. Baby."

Refer to nice restaurants that you have been to: TGI Fridays, Macaroni Grill and On the Border usually impress the ladies.

Flash money around fragrantly. I'm not talking about 1 dollar bills, but five dollar bills. Lot's of them, and in rapid succession. Maybe in their face.

If your car is a rat piece of junk, borrow your friends car, something classy and suave, like a 1998 Acura Integra.

If your apartment is a short of a horse stall and/or you still live with mom, borrow your friends apartment. If he has roomates, pass them off as kids from a previous marriage.

Purchase a prostitute if all else fails.

That's how I snagged Emily, hopefully this will help you on YOUR quest. Till next time.
posted by HZA | 1:15 PM | email | archive