Monday, February 23, 2004

The Bachelor Party, Sex and the Johnson City and other news. One more week until the hammer get's dropped boys and girls! Had us a great time last Saturday as The General set us up some good fun at X-T-C and The Yell0w R0se.

One of the funniest moments I could remember is seeing the disdain on The General's face when he marched us into X-T-C, only to have us flanked by 'fat' chicks. The words came flying out of his mouth:

"Damn, this is pathetic."
"I'm so embarrased..!"
"Nobody spend any money!"
"We're here, 7:30...tops!"
"Damn, this is pathetic."
"They better pay me if they're gonna dance!"
"Damn, this is pathetic."

Good times nonetheless. There was a special dance for 100+ bucks called the Chair of Pain, where they take some poor sap and literally, beat the living snot out of them on the stage. Fortunately, my buds had the foresight and stinginess to not get me up there. Besides, I didn't want to get rooked by some plus-size strippers.

Shortly thereafter, we rolled to the R0se where the price was right (4 bucks each for everyone to get in, versus 20 bucks at X-T-SUCKS). Now, here's the highlight of the night..! :

The General buys Wally and myself a Cage Dance (explanation below). The waitress asks who the fiance (for me) is and the girlfriend for Wally (none). This is so the announcer can talk trash when you're up there.

They call me up, handcuff me and pull the front of my shirt over my head. They proceed to write stuff on me via Sharpie Pen while my whole crew is laughing at me. They take my boxers and literally rip them off with the often not used Yakamora Method of WED-GIE. So i'm looking like a chump up on the stage with my boxers up to my chest. To compound the problem, they're slapping the crap out of my chest.

Not just a pat or anything, but with all their might. Repeatidly. It hurt.

After they made a tender meat pie out of me, they called Wally up on the stage. Here's the kicker, "Mike (wally) get up here on the stage..Mike, who's never had a girlfriend before!"

Let's just say we were cracking our asses up. The funnier part was that he was wearing whitey tighties (presumably the Kirkland Brand of mens under-roo's that you can get at CostCo --don't lie to me Wally, I saw you buy those one time). They performed the Yakamora Method and ripped the band off his undies.

Oh man was that funny. My older brother showed up a little afterwards and some good times at the blackjack table (which was lame anyways..20 bucks just to play).

Much thanks to the Dog Pound: The General (for setting it up), T-licious, Meth, Gimp, Wally, Fever, Dames, Norm, Long, Jake, Dave (who had to leave early because his girl was about to s-s-s-plode), Paul anybody else I missed. Not only do I appreciate it, but my right tit is still sore.

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Sex and the Johnson City. If you guys saw THE last episode of Sex and The City last night, let it be known that I saw it too. Cindy at work said something about an 85 year old lady that writes a column for The Johnson City Gizette (whatever it's called) and it's primarily LAME. Stuff like, "This Pig one the Blue Ribbon on Saturday" type stuff.

How funny would it be if she wrote a sex column a la' Carrie Bradshaw in Sex and The City? Only set in the small, desolate town of Johnson City? How Farmer James was caught crawling out the window of Jim Bob's double wide? How much can you write about a town who's population was probably less than my graduating class?

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Well, I got one more week to go! Not only will I not be at work for a week and a half, but I will be coming back from the honeymoon married to the woman I love. Yes, you can cue "I'm Looking for Something, Baby" by Dreamgirls now..!
posted by HZA | 3:46 PM | email | archive